In no particular order, here's a decimal of dire film-to-game travesties.
It must be hard making a film tie-in game. Firstly, those callous producers see your blood/sweat/tears project more as merchandise than real game. On top of that, it usually takes a lot more time to make a decent game than it does to make a decent film. Even so, sometimes there's just no excuse for the sack-o-shiz forced upon us come blockbuster season. Here's our list of the worst ever:
In a line: "Perfect my ass!"
1/The game: Street Fighter the Movie (Arcade, 1995)
The premise: A visceral arcade brick house brawl knocked violently through the silver screen into your home.
The problem: In 1995 Capcom managed to take a brilliant series by the balls and drag it into abject mediocrity - by changing all the good stuff. Knocking out a movie game is hard enough when the material's good, but when it's the almighty, Van Damme-flogging balls up that was the Street Fighter film, it's probably just best to stick to what you know.
In a line: If it ain't broke, don't film it.
2/The game: Iron Man: The Video Game (PS3, Xbox 360, 2008)
The premise: Suited and booted with power to marvel at.
The problem: For a game that so requires you to have seen the film, it churns the story about like butter. We know that some twisting and editing is needed to add longevity, but if the end result is just going to be hour upon hour of repetitive boss smashing then we'd rather just do it once... like the film... from whence it's based.
In a line:Made in a building that explodes after three punches.
3/The game: Fight Club (PS2, 2004)
The premise: Thumping street scraps with a moral conscience.
The problem: We seem to remember the film being a powerful look at animal brutality and consumer culture in the 21st century, but maybe that's just our ageing brains. We certainly don't remember the plot unravelling through dodgily rendered pictures from The Sun's Striker cartoon. Thinking about it, it probably was just a lurching scrap fest with naff collision detection, wasn't it?
In a line: Taking the 'meaning' out of meaningful cinema.
4/The game: ET (Atari 2600, 1982)
The premise: Live through the touching tale of tolerance, discovery, and youthful innocence.
The problem: Too many to list within a reasonable word count. Gone was any semblance of the charming boy/alien relationship, in favour of a green sprite floating around eating other green sprites, whilst trying to elude grey sprites. Damn those grey sprites. Things were made worse by a pixelised version of the theme tune looped to insanity, and the threat of instant and iniquitous death at almost every turn.
In a line: Atari actually have a landfill full of unsold copies.
5/The game: The Matrix: Path of Neo (PS2, Xbox, 2005)
The premise: Follow the human race's epic battle as our true saviour, the One.
The problem: Glitch heavy and graphically as impressive as a painted mule, PON's main downfall was an inconsistent tone. The blue pill, red pill, ergo, ergo bunkum soon descends into self parody, climaxing with a talk from 8 bit Wachowski brothers, and boss battle against a giant robot Smith. Beat that and you're treated to Queen's 'We Are the Champions'. 'Nuff said.
In a line: Popping mountains of it's own blue pills.
6/The game: Back to the Future (NES, 1989)
The premise: Action stacked at 88mph launching a quest to ensure your own existence.
The problem: Complete tosh. Bearing no resemblance to the film that spawned it, lucky players will remember the struggle to complete the same two levels over and over again by directing a jaunty blob of sprites (Marty Mcfly), as he runs up a road collecting clocks. Following this, you're charged with controlling an entirely different collection of sprites (also Marty Mcfly) to dodge milkshake in a diner. What?
In a line: Playability? Where we're going, we don't need playability.
7/The game: Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (PS1, 1999)
The premise: A long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far way, the saga begins...
The problem: The trouble must have started when everyone realised the source material itself was a big steaming pile of CGI rabbit raisins. Accordingly, this ropey stroll through Naboo was welded together in Lucas's shed, starring a very odd camera, a painful difficulty curve and everyone's least favourite thing ever, Jar Jar Binks. Good times.
In a line: A bad film does not a good game make, hmm?
8/The game: Jaws Unleashed (PS2, Xbox, 2006)
The premise: Primal instincts and white rage, ripping limb from limb for animal subsistence.
The problem: Being a shark is frankly a lot more boring then we thought it would be, mainly because they apparently have lots of repetitive missions to complete. We were previously unaware, for example, that aside from eating several thousand identikit divers, Great White's feel obliged to 'throw' explosives at ships, and 'fight' gun turret-wielding boats, all whilst mooching through the most boring game landscape ever.
In a line: Just when you thought it was safe to complete tedious tasks.
9/The game: Superman Returns: The Video Game (Various, 2006)
The premise: Faster than a speeding bullet and stronger than hardened steel in a bustling 3D Metropolis.
The problem: The 'Superman video game curse', which purports that every man o' steel joy box game-o-rama must be a massive disaster. Amongst a Kryptonian smorgasbord of niggles were the miles of bland and squint-inducingly poor cityscape, boring enemies, and the soul crushing fact that the senseless story builds up to a final boss battle against a... tornado.
In a line: As exciting as Clark Kent.
10/The game: Total Recall (NES, 1990)
The premise: Thrilling psychological, spiritual, and astrological conflict in the seething, squirming Martian slums.
The problem: Total, unflinching bollocks of the hardest kind. If the invincible midgets don't kill you, perhaps that fence full of random punching arms will? Failing that, you're bound to perish at the arbitrary drive-by shootings, of which you have less than a second's warning to jump (read: float) away from. When you inevitably do cop it, you're treated to the governator's gurning mug assuring that he'll "be back!" Goody.
Labels: Games
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